Life in the slow lane,
with a sad face
Live from the MomBrain Newsroom, the traffic report is DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING IN YOUR CAR. MomBrain knows this firsthand because she just spent eight years driving home from the mall. In that time, she picked off an entire manicure, did car yoga, practiced making a pencil bun, played the alphabet game against herself, and listened to Hugh Laurie’s newest CD (twice).
Fortunately, I remembered something from the Twitter: Someone said the theme from Darth Vader makes traffic jams feel better. AND I remembered that I actually have that music on my phone.* So I hit Play and set it for Repeat. Suddenly I was piloting a Super Star Destroyer. The Force was strong within me. The enemy starships surrounding me were specks of nothing.
Unfortunately my car still didn’t move. Darth Vader’s flagship Executor did not appear from the clouds to rescue me. And the Force had obviously dwindled away. Worse: Darth Vader’s theme song had embedded itself in my Brain like a powerful earworm. (And now you have it, too! You’re welcome!)
In the end, I simply persevered. What else could I do? Darth Vader had failed me. But somehow I reached home without him, with only time and patience on my side.
* This is a true fact.
The Little Guy He Who Shall Not Be Named went through a movie soundtrack phase a couple of years ago. We’ve got everything. Go ahead. Try me.
Pity poor MomBrain. The little thought pebbles rolling around in her head are starting to echo and ping off the inside of her skull. Even the Dog is startled, less by the pinging and more by the fact that we’re starting to speak the same language. For example:
The Dog thinks about: food, walk, food, walk, food, walk, food.
MomBrain thinks about: food, walk, food, walk, food, walk, food.
Dr. Science (the Scientist Formerly Known as Big Guy) thinks about: baseball, brains, Chuck, damn politicians, Nick Hornby, coffee, Ben Webster, calamities that might swallow the earth.
Clearly it’s time to refill my skull; to reinvent (if not reclaim) my life. So. With resolution and beating heart, MomBrain tried to register for a writing workshop at the ridiculously awesome Richard Hugo House. Except every other writer in My Fair City beat me to it. So I am on the waiting list, which means HA HA HA CHORTLE maybe next time. So I will look elsewhere to prep for NaNoWriMo and at the same time STOP THE PINGING PLEASE OH PLEASE ANYTHING TO STOP THE PINGING.
Star Fleet Academy
United Federation of Planets
MomBrain’s mouth wears a size 8 shoe. I know this because today when I put my foot in my mouth, it fit perfectly. And no, I can’t tell you what happened, because HELLO new reader!
In other news, nothing reveals my rusty Brain more than meeting a cheerful and friendly Alpha Mom who, with a family much like mine, is running her own business, meeting international clients at schwank restaurants, traveling around the country, and wearing expensive, grown-up jewelry. Most telling: She actually brushes her hair. She puts my LinkedIn profile to shame, not to mention my ponytail and Star Trek ring.
But MomBrain did not hang her head in despair. She did not take out her ponytail or remove her Starfleet Academy class ring. She did not order another Manhattan and dive headfirst for the cherry at the bottom. She smiled, shook hands, and congratulated Alpha Mom on her success. This morning MomBrain brushed her hair and polished her LinkedIn profile. Next up? I do not know. But I’m thinking in the right direction, even if I am not moving in it (quite yet).