Sunday, July 25, 2004

A Far-Flung Reporter
MomBrain is reporting today from the Pine Tree State, where I am visiting the parental units and willing a painful ear infection to go away before I get back on the airplane. I am lucky, though. There is a pharmacist in my family. Forget cocaine and heroin - illicit antibiotics is what it's all about, baby.

And, as always, the folks in rural Maine have got their priorities straight. Ayuh, we're in a war. Lance is stomping the cycling world. And there's the minor question of who will be our next president. But who else would report the following items, taken from the front-page headlines of the weekly Advertiser-Democrat?

Skeetfield Road Faces Housing Boom
Loon Chick Dies Mysterious Death
Police Nab Family That Skips Out on Large Restaurant Bill

Yup. It's good to be home.

Airport (In)security
News flash: Airport security lines suck. But they are especially heinous when the little Japanese business man behind you is hawking lugies. I wanted to tell Mr. Lugie-san that here in America we do not spit our mucus in the airport. I wanted to remind him that, although I am only 5 foot 4 and on the smaller side, I am bigger than him. I wanted to tell him that if one more fleck of spittle landed on my suitcase I would squash him like a bug. But of course I said nothing, because here in America you never know who is carrying a gun.

posted by Marjorie
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Saturday, July 17, 2004

Baseball fans in the know will not be surprised to hear that the Mariners are defining a whole new level of suckage. Still, those of us with season's tickets schlep to the ballpark, unwilling to waste the small fortune we paid last January to see the team that promised to be a contender.
Last night we brought the Little Guy, who's been to quite a few games but is only now old enough to pay attention to more than the peanuts and Dippin' Dots. My favorite moment was when the stadium announcer introduced ICHIRO ... SUZUKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The Little Guy screamed and clapped with the crowd, then yelled "Mommy! Ichiro Zucchini is at bat!!!"
I'm also obligated to record the following conversation between the Big Guy and the Little Guy as we drove into the parking lot before the ballgame.
Big Guy: Well, at least parking is easy since attendance is down.
Little Guy: What's a penance?
Big Guy: Penance is what we're about to pay right now.

posted by Marjorie
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Thursday, July 15, 2004

Two Blind Mice
As if it isn't enough that the Big Guy is wearing my jeans, now he's wearing my contact lenses.
Big Guy: (squinting and rubbing his eyes) Man, my eyes are irritated today.
MomBrain: Did you sleep okay?
BG: Yeah, but I think I'm getting a cold or something.
MB: That's too bad.
BG: (holding newspaper in, then out, then in) And I can't see a thing. (Throws the newspaper down in despair)
MB: (staring blindly at side of sink) Have you seen my contact lenses?
BG: I told you I can't see a thing.
MB: (picking up her empty lens holder) That's because you're wearing my contacts.
BG: No I'm not. I have a cold and I can't see.
MB: Sweetie, you're wearing my lenses. Look. (Holds out his full lens holder.)
BG: Oh. 

Chicken Little
The Little Guy has three chores: feed the cat, put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, and get the newspaper in the morning. I'm flexible about the first two chores, but I don't budge on the newspaper thing. My neighbors have seen me in my jammies too often, and the Little Guy is usually happy to run outside in his underwear. He's not always that thrilled, though. Here is this morning's negotiation:
MomBrain: (Opens the front door) Little Guy, can you please get the newspaper for me?
Little Guy: I'm sorry, Mommy, I can't. (Plunks down on floor) I hurt my leg very badly and now I can't walk.
MB: Oh, no! You can't walk? What did you do?
LG: I bruised it.
MB: Oh, poor sweetie. Can you run?
LG: No. But I can chicken dance!
MB: Can you chicken dance to the newspaper?
LG: Sure! (Flaps his elbows and hops on tippytoes all the way down the front walk, wearing nothing but underwear.)
Innocent Passerby: (Smiles and looks away)
LG: Hello! (Still hopping and flapping) I can do the chicken dance!
IP: Yes, I see that.
LG: (Flaps back inside)
MomBrain: Little Guy, remember I told you not to talk to strangers unless I am close enough for you to touch me?
LG: Yes, but this time I was the stranger.
MB: I'll say. 

posted by Marjorie
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Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Why I Love My Husband, Part 1
The Big Guy is arm-wrestling with my new computer, trying to convince it that it does indeed have a mouse and a keyboard. He is under my desk as I type, wrapped in wires tighter than Spider-Man's web. Speaking of which ...

Why I Love My Husband, Part 2
He lets me ogle Tobey Maguire.

posted by Marjorie
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Tuesday, July 06, 2004

This is why mothers lose their minds. This is why they strangle their children. This is where Abbott and Costello started:

Little Guy: I was starting to feel sad, so I took a deep breath and then I stopped.
MomBrain: Why are you sad?
LG: I'm not sad.
MB: But you just said you're starting to feel sad.
LG: But I'm not sad.
MB: Then why did you say you're sad?
LG: I didn't say I'm sad. I said I WAS sad.
MB: Oh. Then why WERE you sad?
LG: I don't remember.

posted by Marjorie
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Monday, July 05, 2004

Past Lives Revisited, Part 1
Oh my gosh, how much do I love this blog??? I am from Maine, a real downeast girl, and Maine Line smells just like home. I will never move back to Maine for all kinds of reasons, chief among them being that I like living in a place with an economy. But dang I miss it. This guy gets it right.

Past Lives Revisited, Part 2
This is one reason I quit working at the G.A.S. company (Giant Acme Software). This is another.

posted by Marjorie
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Sunday, July 04, 2004

Daily Updates for the Month of July, Continued ...

For the people who put the "ogle" in "Google," here are my answers to the most common search terms that led people to MomBrain in the month of June. I do this as a public service - no need to thank me.

pomes (sic - egad) for mom, dad, fast cars, alzheimers, horses (13)
Velveeta Nachos (7)
cockapoos (3)
naked pix of jennifer aniston, molly shannon, and vendela (3)
bra oprah wears (3)
oprah lotion smell (1)
oprah's favorite things bathrobe (1)
sexy mom - why, thank you.

posted by Marjorie
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Saturday, July 03, 2004

From the Mouths of Babes
Here's today's conversation with the Little Guy, about one of his favorite Rescue Heroes who speaks with a strong southern accent.

Little Guy: Jack Hammer is from Texas.
MomBrain: He is? How do you know?
LG: Because every time I watch the Rescue Heroes they say he's from Texas. And he speaks that language from Texas.
MB: What language is that?
LG: I don't know, but he says a lot of things I don't understand.
MB: Do you know who else is from Texas?
LG: Who?
MB: President Bush.
LG: He says a lot of things I don't understand, too.
MB: My thoughts exactly.
posted by Marjorie
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Friday, July 02, 2004

Daily Updates for the Month of July, Continued ...

In response to a request from my fishing partner, Ruth, here is an unedited list of the detritus on my computer table.

A fake pear.

The latest issue of Cooking Light Magazine, with a picture of berry shortcake on the cover. This berry shortcake is destined to exist on my table, but I know in my heart of hearts it will not look like this one. No matter. I will eat it with my eyes shut.

My favorite hairbrush.

A blue post-it note with a list of all the things I've ordered online and don't want to lose track of. On the list: A new computer (yay me), 3 copies of Microsoft Office, 2 copies of Microsoft FrontPage, purple envelopes, and tickets to a San Francisco Giants game.

A business card from Dr. Bones, my rheumatologist.

A business card for the Little Guy's pediatrician, who also makes handcrafted baby quilts and sells them at Pike Place Market. (If you need a fabulosos baby gift, email me and I'll hook you up.)

A green scented candle (sandalwood), halfway burned, on a black tin plate.

A prescription bottle of methimazole for Kitty, who has a teensy little problem with her thyroid. The bottle also contains prednisolone to treat liver inflammation. My kitty takes more medicine than I do, and that's saying something.

While we're on the subject of kitty - a cat brush. Kitty spends lots of time on my lap while I'm at the computer, so it's a good place for a pill ambush and a good brushing out.

Microsoft Publisher and a netfirms starter CD.

One 23-cent postcard stamp.

A book by a woman who asked me to consider co-authoring her next book, which was very tempting but ultimately not worth the hassle (or the money).

Pictures of the guys.

An overwhelmingly large stack of genealogy papers that are completely disorganized. They frighten me.

A map of Arlington National Cemetery.

posted by Marjorie
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Thursday, July 01, 2004

Flashing Blue Light Special
Attention, MomBrain shoppers - For the month of July only, we will be featuring daily updates. So add MomBrain to your favorites list and keep coming back ... every day! Tell your friends! Tell your neighbors! This offer will not last long!

Questions of the Day
Why is lemonade made with artifical flavors when furniture polish is made with real lemons?

Why is there a sudden influx of panhandlers in my neighborhood? And what about that chick with the blonde ponytail and the cardboard sign - doesn't she have $20 yet?

Am I the only one who thought it was funny when my friend filled a super-soaker with filtered water? Is this a Seattle thing? Do we really have that much water around here?

Is it good or bad that the Patriarch of MomBrain's family is moving to State College, PA? Is there really a state college there? Is anything there?

Should I fly 3000 miles to go to my high school reunion? Is it really worth it just to see if the head cheerleader has blimped out and lost her teeth? Why do I care?

Will the Little Guy ever sleep in his own bed again?

posted by Marjorie
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