Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Happy birthday, Big Guy!

posted by Marjorie
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Monday, June 28, 2004

Here is what the Little Guy did today: Went to the beach. Made the shovel of a real backhoe go up and down. Ate a rocket pop from the ice cream truck. Danced with a purple scarf. Went for a walk in the woods.

Here is what I did today: Cleaned the kitchen. Washed, folded, and put away three loads of laundry. Cleaned up cat vomit. Got stuck in traffic. Arm-wrestled with my computer. Ate yogurt. Scrubbed a toilet.

I am bitter.

posted by Marjorie
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Friday, June 25, 2004

The Scene: House of MomBrain. 3:00 AM. All is darkness; all are sleeping. A tiny voice calls out in the darkness.

Little Guy: LG to Mommy! ch Come in Mommy! ch
MomBrain: (groan)
LG: Mommy, do you read me? ch Over! ch
MB: $%#*&
LG: Mommy, we need emergency assistance! ch Do you copy? ch
MB: (Stumbling in the dark) What's the matter?
LG: I'm thirsty.
MB: I'll get you some water. Stay in bed.

time passes ... MomBrain hands a sippy cup full of cold water to LG

LG: (takes a sip) This isn't what I wanted! I wanted sparkling water!
MB: I'm sorry - that's all the water we have tonight.
LG: (crumbling into a ball and sobbing) My whole life is ruined! I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever get what I want!
MB: Goodnight.

In Other News ...
Time to clean out the lint filter. Here are some nice lint balls, in no particular order and for no particular reason except they're clogging my brain.

One of the benefits of insomnia is wee-hours TV. I now know how to authenticate 18th century paper, which was typically "laid" paper with vertical and horizontal stripes and a faint watermark. I also know how to lose 30 pounds in 30 days for just $19.95.

Any blogger who wants to raise their hit rate dramatically should put the words "pome" and "pomes" in their blogs.

Does anyone else think this is crazy?

Every American citizen should see Fahrenheit 9/11. Twice.

I am very proud of myself for knowing how to spell fahrenheit.

What possessed me to buy ten cell phone covers for only $1.49 each at a flea market? I do not know. Will I ever really sell them on eBay? I do not know.

posted by Marjorie
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Tuesday, June 15, 2004

MomBrain's International Readership (thanks, Canada!) has now expanded to include a *real* country (sorry, Canada!). Here's a shout out to Cotton-Pickin' Days, all the way out there in Vietnam, where today's weather is hot, humid, and cloudy.

The Cotton Picker is a Stanford-educated genetic epidemiologist, and joins my growing roster of stay-at-home parents with huge noggins whose lives took a sharp left turn with the arrival of their children. Consider the unused brainpower of stay-at-home parents. Consider the problems of the world. Isn't there a way to combine the two?

posted by Marjorie
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Tuesday, June 08, 2004

One of the very best parts of being a freelance writer is seeing your work in print. But it's even more exciting when you don't recognize what appears under your byline. Like today. I have a magazine article out about s e x during pregnancy. I recognize that part. But I don't remember writing the sidebar about v i b r a t o r s and d i l d o s. Evidently some editor has had her way with me. Poor blushing MomBrain!!!

Meanwhile, the Little Guy is deep, deep into the "I hate you" stage. He has threatened to call the tow truck and have me towed away, and also to put me in the garbage so the garbage truck will take me away. I told him to let me know when they get here. (Ah, the joys of motherhood. Who knew I'd get to ride in a tow truck?)

posted by Marjorie
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Wednesday, June 02, 2004

This week marked my 18th wedding anniversary with the Big Guy. 18! Eighteen! Holy crap I'm old. Anyway, this being Date Night, and this week being the big A, I thought about Dr. Phil's advice to "ask yourself, every day, what can I do today to make my marriage better?" No brainer! The very best thing I can do for my marriage, any day, any time, is wash the car.

Oh yes, my friends - a clean car is the quickest way to the Big Guy's heart. So, in hopes of scoring major Date Night Points, off I went to Brown Bear Car Wash. But the Beary Best wash and wax isn't good enough for my sweetie. So I plugged a pile of quarters into the industrial strength vacuum, also known as the Suck Monster.

Picture MomBrain. Picture a giant blue sucking hose. Picture a little gray wand that keeps falling off the end of the hose. Picture Mombrain riding that writhing hose like a horse, shoving the gray wand back on and swearing like a sailor. Every time the wand fell off, the hose would jump and twist like something out of Alien, attaching itself with great force to whatever was closest. This was mildly irritating when the attached object was a floor mat, a car seat, or an umbrella. But it was slightly more irritating when the attached object was my cheek.

It's true. Somehow the Alien Hose jumped up and sank its fangs right in to the apple of my cheek. Leaping up and ripping at the hose, I hit my head on the door, then fell across the seat, feet hanging out the door as I wrestled with the Monster. Meanwhile the Car Wash Guy behind me whistled a complicated bird sound, which I know was Car Wash code for "Dude! Check it out! We got another one!"

Getting the Beast off me required both hands and one foot. But the Beary Best part is it left me with a hickey the size of Texas, right on my face. On Date Night. The Big Guy didn't say a word. He just squired me around town with a manly look. I think he was kind of proud.

posted by Marjorie
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